I need to apologize…

I seriously thought it was all over; no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get past the constant repetition of the same voice asking the same question, again and again and again.

‘So, is it the blue we use next Mr Sugg?’.

‘Yes, we’re using blue paint next.’

‘Oh, ok.’

It was ironic that I had actually put myself in this position. It was me who decided it would be fun to run an after-school art club at my wife’s school. It was me who decided to put myself out there, try something new, learn new skills………and now I could feel myself getting wound up more and more as I desperately looked at the clock, realising we’d only got twenty minutes left to finish our masterpieces.

If it hadn’t been for a sudden understanding of what it means to follow my instructions, I may well have thrown my toys out of the pram, tore down my easel and stormed out of the classroom yelling ‘I’m an Artist! I deserve better than this!’.

It’s at this part of the story that I need to apologise. Not to you, dear reader, but to myself. You see, I was in unchartered territory. Unlike my amazing wife who has years of experience in the classroom, I’m a beginner. No, I’m not even a beginner - I’m a complete novice when faced with a room of nineteen school children. It’s incredible how quickly you learn where your weak points are when faced with a daunting situation, even more so when you’ve caused yourself to be in that situation.

No, I’m apologising to myself because like all perfectionists, I am too hard on myself. I think that I should always do better, even if I don’t have the necessary skills or experience to do it as well as someone who has. Too much pressure on yourself leads to burn-out, leads to stress induced illness, leads to unhappiness and resentment. This is how I used to work, before becoming an artist. It’s what subconsciously drove me to keep working when I had Glandular Fever, which eventually led to losing my job. I’ve never worked a ‘full’ day since that period of my life, almost ten years ago now.

Being unable to forgive yourself can be the quickest way to screw up your own life. You don’t need anyone else’s help when you’ve got self-loathing and an inability to let go. Believe me, I’ve been there. But it was during my recent moments of tension in the classroom that I was reminded I just how far I, and the children, had come. For the children they were no longer the little infants starting in the reception class; some of them will be heading off to secondary school in a few months’ time. As for me, I realised that I am no longer the man I used to be; I no longer allow stress to dominate me. I no longer allow events from ten years ago to dictate who I am today. What’s happened has happened, and the silver lining is I can now do the thing I also wanted to do as a teenager - spend my life painting, creating and teaching others how to enjoy it to.

So if you find yourself in a situation where it’s frustrating, tedious and hard-going - take a few deep breaths, remember where you’ve come from and how far you’ve come.

And then you won’t need to apologise to anyone.